It's amazing what people expect. As a young girl, I expected to grow up, get a fantastic well-paid job as a flight attendant, marry; have children of my own. None of that ever happened.
I have all of you, of course. You are all my minions, my disciples, and I thank whatever being that is up there every day that I have you all, because who the hell knows where I’d be if I didn’t; perhaps lonely and forgotten in some tiny corner of the Goodland woods.
Is everyone here? Did everyone come in from recess? Is Sam here – it’s really important that everyone hear this – oh, good.
So here we are. Last day of classes. Last day of elementary school. Last day of your childhood (although I hate that word. Lord knows I’ve never wanted to treat you all as children. You’re smarter than most of the politicians we have in this damned country). Last day I will probably ever see any of you again – or at least the last time I’ll be teaching you, at any rate.
And so: Ms. Blake’s Infamous Farewell Message.
All of your lives, you’ve been asked a single question. Now, this question has been posed to you by your family – everyone from your parents to those crusty old relatives that you only see during Thanksgiving have asked you this question. It’s been asked by nurses and dental hygienists and teachers. Hell, even I was forced to teach a whole lesson on this question due to the State’s curriculum.
Can anyone tell me what that question might be? Does anyone know?
No, Stanley, but good guess. What was that? Oh, Harry, stop being a dumb ass.
No, the single question that you’ve probably been asked most (other than what your name is, or how you’re doing) is: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Do you remember that? I asked you all that question at the beginning of the school year and I had you write it down on a sheet of construction paper and draw a little picture and then I posted them on the bulletin board, as has every other teacher in the history of the universe. It was a stupid exercise – as if anyone can truly pick one thing, one occupation, that they want to define themselves as for the rest of their lives. As if we can pick one noun from a dictionary and have that entry carry the meaning of our existence.
What I’m trying to say here, class, is that it’s stupid for you to be asked what you want to be ten or fifteen years from now. And it’s not because you’ll change your mind – although you will. Jeremy, I highly doubt that even a few years from now you’ll want to be a fireman because they’re highly underpaid and based on how you hoard your snacks at lunchtime, I doubt you’d trade in material goods for saving lives. The reason why it’s a stupid question is because it gives you unrealistic expectation of how the world works.
Because the truth is that very few of you are ever going to be what you wrote on that paper. The truth is, Rebecca, that current technology makes it impossible to become “a frankenstein” and I highly doubt that it will happen within your lifetime. And do you know what percentage of the world population actually becomes a super model, Daphne? No, I don’t either, and that’s because they don’t bother gathering statistics for occupations that rare. Even you, Danny, who wants to be a lawyer – do you really think you’ll pass the Bar when you can’t even discern the difference between the three different “there”s? What does discern mean – see, that’s exactly what I’m talking about, Daniel! You should be able to figure that out based on context clues! Who can give me an educated guess as to what the word “discern” means? Bridget?
Thank you! Yes, “discern the difference” essentially means to tell, or figure out, the difference. And the truth is, I think that asking the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” makes it hard to discern the difference between your reality and your dreams.
Because contrary to Shakespeare, thinking does not make it so. And thinking any differently is only going to lead to falsely high expectations and crushed dreams. Posting those pieces of paper on the bulletin board in September didn’t ring up the Workforce Fairy so she could take notes for future reference. What it did do was make you think that those jobs, those chicken scratches on that sheet of paper, were set in stone. That somehow those washable crayola markers will withstand the test of time any see you through all your college degrees and entrance exams and workplace interviews.
5th grade teachers are supposed to tell you that you will all accomplish every last one of your dreams, and that you should reach for the moon because even if you fail you’ll land among the stars. Well, pardon my French, but that is bullshit. I didn’t become a teacher because I wanted to baby you and tell you that everything was going to be all right, and that everyone lives happily ever after. That’s what Disney movies are for. I became a teacher so I could prevent you from making the same mistakes I did when I was your age. So I could tell you the things I wish someone had told me at eleven years old.
So listen to me very closely – and I’m not saying this because I’m trying to rain on your parade –the vast majority of you will not end up being what you wanted to be. Not in September, not now, and not even seven years from now. The vast majority of you will not even become entrepreneurs of small business, or managers at franchise locations. Most of you will work in a small windowless office for long hours and no vacation days.
But does that mean that all of you are going to be miserable for the rest of your days? Does that mean that your life consists of endless repetitions of monotonous, dreary work and fitful, restless nights? Absolutely not.
Because there is something else that I wish someone had told me: it isn’t what you will become when you grow up that matters; it’s who you will become. And who you will become is a question that you can ask yourselves right now and actually make the answer come true. The human consciousness is a miraculous thing, full of endless possibilities and boundless limitations. If you want to be a well-read, charitable, politically-active citizen of the world, then you have everything in your power right now to make that happen. Continue to read a variety of material as much as you can and as often as you can. Volunteer, not because it looks good on a resume, but because they are causes you believe in. Listen to both sides of an argument before coming to a conclusion, and don’t be afraid to make an unpopular decision.
My goal as your teacher this year was not to make you the best human beings in the world, but the most content human beings. And your happiness depends far more on those internal qualities of yourself than who the employer is on your bi-weekly paycheck. That’s a fact.
There isn’t much more time for me to tell you everything I wanted to impart before you head out those doors for the last time, so I’ll make it brief.
Number one: laugh hard and laugh often. How old do you all think I am? Normally, you’re not supposed to ask this question of a woman, and you’re certainly not supposed to answer it honestly, but I promise I won’t be angry. That young? Really? Well, let me tell you, I’m a hell of a lot older than that, and it’s because I try not to take things too seriously. Laughter may not be the best medicine, but it’s the best one I can think of that isn’t illegal.
Number two: never be afraid to ask questions. The moment you do, the moment your life’s race has hit it’s final stretch. A lot of strange things will happen in your lifetimes, and “the man” – that’s a term that was very popular when I was younger, but you should know for future reference that it means the government – will tell you to just accept it for fact and move on. Never, ever accept what doesn’t make sense to you. Keep asking questions until you can make sense of the world. And if you aren’t satisfied with the answer yet, then it’s because you aren’t asking the right questions. So keep asking.
Number three: Never purposely try to make an enemy. I know that it’s inevitable that there will be people you hate and people who hate you. Some of you will be hated more that others. But try and maintain good relationships with people, even if you dislike them. If they need help with something, help them. If they ask for a favor, do it for them even if it inconveniences you a little bit. There’s very few problems that can’t be solved by a group of people working together, and you never know if the people you’ll need in your group are the ones you spat all over in high school.
Which brings me to rule number four: Always remember those who helped you. Too often the bad memories about people we don’t like last longer than the good ones, and that’s called confirmation bias. It means that we tend to see things we want to see; we remember the moments that we agree with more clearly than the ones that go against our preconceived ideas. But that’s a very dangerous thing to do. Believe me. Never forget those who helped you, and when the time comes, try and help them in return.
For the most part, you have been a very lovely class to teach. Truly, I enjoyed teaching you guys more than I have any other class, which is why I’ve decided to retire after this year. Have a nice rest of your lives, and if there’s one thing you remember from this speech, remember this: it’s not what you are, it’s who you are.
Now get on out of here. I don’t think I can bear another second of it.
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